Here’s To The Crazy Ones

Here’s to the crazy ones. The Misfits. The Rebels. The Troublemakers. The round pegs in square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy.

Because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.

-Jack Kerouac

Six

You turned six on Thursday.

I know that it’s true because I can look at the calendar and count the 2,195 days that have passed. I can look through pictures and see the transformation from baby to little boy. I have it programmed in my mind that this is your birthday each year.

But how did we get to six years later?

I’m so, SO proud of you.

You love your family. You specifically requested a family party this year instead of a big blow-out with all of your school friends. You were excited and completely gracious about each gift you received. You discussed boxing up older toys to give away to less fortunate kids. You understand there are kids who don’t have all of the wonderful things that you do and your little heart breaks for them.

I’m blown away by what you understand about the world around you. There’s a part of me that wants to protect you from it, but I see how wonderfully you handle things and I know that you’ll be okay.

I know that one day things will be more complicated for us, but I love the simplicity of what we have right now. I love that you are my baby and that our love is absolutely unconditional. I love that we are a team. We will always have that and I will always be right here by your side.

Happy birthday to my sweet J.

 

it’s moments like this…

I don’t have a title worthy of Dallas Green and this song…

This…

City & Colour Oh Sister

This song is everything dark and devastating that I’ve ever felt. It’s a reminder of where I’ve been. It’s for all of my loves who have been or are in a dark place. It won’t last forever.

We will make it through to the other side.

It’s Not Always Sunshine & Rainbows

This picture is the best indicator of the current vibe in my car/life/casita.

Me, trying to figure out which way is up. And Bolshevik, back there, plotting ways to best spread feelings of mass chaos and anarchy.

I love you for sticking with me, and for commenting. I promise I’m working my way out of this current fog/phase whatever it is I’m in. I have moments of clarity and get close to finding just a bit of peace before the rug gets ripped back out from under me again. But I’m a fighter. I’ll find the sunshine if it takes everything I’ve got and then some.

“Write Drunk, Edit Sober.”

I’m going with a Hemingway-esque theme lately.

“Write drunk, edit sober.”

Minus the editing part.

I don’t like to edit my blog posts. Aside from minor grammar mistakes, I like to let it go. It keeps me writing raw and honest. You don’t see a lot of that here. I mean, the mistakes are in abundance, yes. But the completely open writing.. that’s another story. I don’t lie here. I just, I have this fear of people’s perception of me. I’ve always struggled to stand up for myself. I pull off cynical and skeptical very well, but deep down I’m a sensitive soul.

I don’t understand why people say they’ll call and don’t. I don’t understand lies in relationships. The prior is just rude and disrespectful, the latter just winds up hurting more people in the long run.

No one wants hurt someone else intentionally. Except for a fucked few. So we hide these things. We pretend that the little things don’t bother us. We take a deep breath, count to ten and ignore what’s really going on. And do you know what good that does us?

A big, fat, fucking NO GOOD.

I’ve spent years biting my tongue because I have this deep rooted fear that it will scare people away. Relationships that could have been salvaged with honesty early on were damaged by my fear to stand up for what was right. Or they went on longer than they should have and more people wound up hurt in the long run.

An encounter with a dear friend was the first, really different experience that I had. Things were a mess. We needed to talk about it but we both kept putting it off. When we finally hashed things out and worked out a solution, he looked at me and said “I love you the same way today that I did yesterday or the day before. This is just a thing.” And I can’t tell you how long I’ve (unknowingly) needed to hear that.

Why is it so hard to get out the words that we need to say?

The first five minutes are intense and feel unbearable, but once we get past that? We open ourselves up to endless possibilities.

How do you do this?

How do you write about the intimate details of your life online and not worry about who is going to read them?

There is a part of me that wants to splurge every detail here. I’m sure as hell it would be more entertaining than my usual drivel. Honestly? My “dating” life is the stuff that sad sitcoms are made of. Enough of the insanity & I’d probably have my own show.

But that’s not my thing.

I met someone new. And he’s nice. And funny. And unbelievably sexy in his way. And that’s as much as I can tell you bc that’s the kind of blog I keep.

Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone who will be worth more than a brief description. But for now? That’s all you get. Hell… That’s all that I get. I’ve been dicked over too many times to just fall for this again. But I won’t shut it out completely. He gets the benefit of the doubt this time around. And that is a stretch for me.

If he fucks it up? I fully expect you assholes to have my back.

I love you. For real.

Week in Pictures: Volume, Who The Heck Knows

Let Freedom Ring

I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

{via}

This does nothing for me.

Mathew McConaughey will always be a naked, bongo-playing hippie.

Channing Tatum has a weird face & talks like a meathead.

The guy in the back grosses me out on every level. Even in pictures not related to this film. I though he was a Survivor reject.

Idk the kid on the right. He’s cute but all credibility is lost for being in the movie.

BLAH.

I am frustrated.

Something is off with my body/health and I’m in the process of figuring out what is going on. Blood work and doctor’s appointments. Try this. Stop taking that. More blood work and more doctor’s appointments. Specialists.

BLAH.

I’m frustrated. And tired. And tired of being tired. And tired of feeling like this.

Hopefully tomorrow’s appointment will bring answers.